Where I Want to Be
by klael
Summary: The adventures of Legolas Greenleaf and his hair


Where I Want to Be.

By Klael

This is a story about a popular well known elf named Legolas, I am writing it to get revenge on my half – wit sister who likes the blonde fool. If you are looking for a nice story about old Legless then I suggest you read her work, she goes by the name of Gevaudan.

DISCLAIMER: Abso-bally-lutely NONE of these characters are mine so don't blame me if the pointy eared ponce seems a little camp at times, blame old Tolky.

One glorious sunny morning in the fair abode of elves that is Rivendell, this story didn't happen.

            It was actually murky and grey and the threat of thunder in the air was only marginally more sickening than the smile on Legless' face. He skipped around in the sordid weather stroking his a amazingly girly hair and thinking that whatever else happened, his favourite shampoo could always brighten up his day, or whatever! 

            "Legless you lanky long haired freak, what have you been smoking?!!!¿!" Legless looked down briefly to see he was dancing all over Gimpi the dwarf's freshly brushed beard.

            "Whatever do you mean Mister ShortInBodyAndMind, I am merely cheerful at this lovely weather!."

"If this is cheerful, I'd hate to see you hyper, -  what I mean, you long eared loony is that A) it is the middle of the night, B) it is a thunderstorm and C) You have obviously just got out of the shower."

            "And…..?"

            "AND YOU HAVE NOTHING ON YOU ELVEN IMBECILE!!!!!!!" Following this outburst Gimpi whipped out his axe and on failing to amputate the elf's multitudinous golden locks proceeded to remove the closest alternative source of hair i.e. his beard.

            "Dwarfy Man, if it's really really late, why are you awake?" Even when he managed to get the right answer from putting two and two together, Legless usually did it to be annoying.

            "Because, you undying idiot, I have attended a highly important meeting with Edmond discussing the fate of the ring of power, to which you, the never-ending ninny himself, should have been present, in all your golden, flowing glory."

            "I didn't want to go, Edmond's a boring old git who thinks he's all powerful just 'cos he was good in _The Matrix_! And besides, I had better things to do." Gimpi looked sceptical.

            "Oh yeah…?"

            "Yeah! My hair needed washing really badly 'cos of YOU breathing your manky dwarfy beer breath all over it!" 

*_Jesus! This guys immortal, poor nature* _ Gimpi looked up to see Legless skipping away leaving surprisingly little water on the ground!

Later that night when Legless had taken his sedatives and finally got to sleep he was lying in bed dreaming about brushing his hair (keep calm girls, he prefers men!). He suddenly realised he was very awake, and as he lay there he felt his mind drifting, when it reached the window he looked back at his body and had a major.

            *_Oh my God, my hair has a knot!* _he thought and zoomed right back to his body to brush it out. After ten minutes of brushing he managed to relax again and get out to the window, he turned and looked back.

            *_Damn, I'm beautiful, I wonder if my beauty could  be concentrated in a smaller body, I would be a GOD!  - Cool!* _ So Legless' mind floated happily away to find someone small, a HOBBIT! 

            *_Eeny, meeny, miney…Frodo! He has the Ring, I like rings, they're soooooooooo pretty! Eugh, I should have brought my Babyliss ™ Hair Straightener, and my blonde hair colour – brown is soooooooooooo vulgar!* _

[Weird, and amazingly gross sucking noise as Legolas' mind is stretched creepily while entering Frodo's head through his ear]

*_Oooooh! So this is Frodo's head. Wow, he's dreaming – you really shouldn't be thinking about Sam that way! Weird man, his eyes are shut, I can't see. What else is here_…………_motor functions!*_

Who is that?

_*My name is Legless Smokesleaf, I am a beeeeautiful and pretty elf with golden blonde hair and I'm only 2931 which isn't that old, I'd marry you but I'm engaged to my hair. Who are you?*_

My name is Sarong, I am the Lord of the Things

*W_hat things?*_

Everything

_*Except my hair?*_

Including your hair

_*I don't like you anymore, what are you doing here?*_

Nothing much, stealing a body to achieve my evil plot to take over the world. Pretty standard stuff really

_*Yeah, me too, except I look pretty in the process!*_

Can't you find another body, i'm rather attatched to this one

_*I'm dreadfully sorry but I can't seem to leave, too much waxy build-up in the hobbit's ears, honestly, you'd think he doesn't wash.*_

Yes, ear wax is a problem isn't it. You know he has dandruff as well?

_*He does? Oh dear, oh dear oh dear! Dandruff? You're sure?*_

Yes

_*Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!*_

Legless? legless, hello? 

That was the tale of how Legless Smokesleaf was vanquished unwittingly by Stupid Sarong, the Lord of the Things. When he was late for lunch the next day Edmond decided that he was spending too much time in the shower and went to get him out. He found him in bed, physically fit but mentally dead, he took him to lunch anyway and no one could ever tell the difference.

The End


End file.
